2016 has been ruthless for many of us. It has been a year of transition, hardship, and DEATH. While observing and talking to others this year I noticed this has been a pretty significant cycle for many . The universe has a funny way of preparing you for things if you pay close attention. Death has reached it’s peek in this life cycle; leaving me to bury 4 family members. My season of death began at the beginning of summer when I buried my uncle and concluded with me burying my cousin. In August I lost a precious jewel within my family; my grandmother Rose Mary. With my grandmother being my final grandparent laid to rest I noticed there was deeper meaning to this season I was in . Knowing I was never one to grieve easy I allowed myself space and time to gather my thoughts; in doing this I gained the clarity and peace I needed. This season of death was not just about laying loved ones to rest there was a bigger picture; lessons were meant to be learned. It took me a while to realize the time had come for me to shed layers of myself that I no longer needed that were holding me back. People, lifestyles, habits, and our way of thinking are all things we have to reevaluate from time to time
Burying my uncle was the beginning of my season of death. I made a vow to myself early on to not wear my feelings on my shoulders but rather take time to deal internally. This was my time to put that into practice. After burying my uncle I noticed my life began to take a downward spiral slowly. Things began falling apart at the seams; communication was the key for coping through this summer. The most high was truly sending me through things I always said I could never deal with. Financially in bind, looking for a new place, working, dance rehearsals, and in summer school * commuting 200 miles each day*. Adding an ill grandmother, a mother undergoing surgery, and adding deceased relatives to my equation was recipe for me to throw in the towel. I often felt as though I cried more than I smiled. Each time I cried I was cleansing my soul; giving myself room to refocus my energy. I realized early on that tears heal wounds. During this time I tried to be a little more open about my life events. In grieving I realized it helps to be open; death is something everyone has to experience. In knowing this you tend to be more understanding. In being open I gave myself time to heal. With everything taking place I was tired, hurting, and tired of hurting. I made it a point to remain grounded; I always found time to detach from everything and everyone to clear my head. Setting small goals for myself gave me head space to not solely focus on the bad surrounding me.In clearing my space I realized that death is not the end. This year was truly a year of the big picture. It was as though each death came with a lesson; letting go was the title of this chapter in my life. I found my self learning to let go of people, things holding me back, my mentality, and grudges. All a test of my faith and growth. I found my self letting go of people that were only seasonal in my life. I was always afraid of losing friends; being left with a sense of regret as though it was all my fault. Even within long-term relationships I would lose myself trying to keep that person. I had to learn that people come into your life to teach you a lesson. Not everyone is meant to come into your life and stay; being open to the aspect of freedom starts and ends with self. Being free involves allowing others to freely come and go, knowing when to let go, and detaching from situations that no longer serve you. This also meant freeing myself of old habits that would not benefit me as I grow; as well as detaching myself from individuals that were on a different wavelength as me. Often times we pick up bad habits from our peers without realizing it. That includes others mentality, vernacular, and sometimes even goals. This begins a form of grouping thinking were everyone has common goals along with the same game plan of how to obtain those things. When this happens we may be blocking blessings from entering our lives; whether it be opportunities, love, careers, etc. Letting go of bad habits is often times just as hard as letting go of people because we have to acknowledge the bad habits before we can break them. The misconception that those habits are in someway benefiting us is not the root but the catalyst to our bad habits.
Letting go of things that were holding me back. The root to accomplishing this for me was getting my mentality in check. Being a worry wart I had the tendency to speak the worst into existence or over thinking myself into a situation I initially feared would take place. This process was by far the hardest to let go of; that fact of the matter is you can think yourself in and out of situations all day. I found myself learning to take things day by day. Concurring each day is the name of the game. Plan for the future while mastering each day; allowing each day you have gone through to be the stepping stone to a brighter future. While taking my life a day at a time I realized I could no longer give credit to others for the misfortunes or even the high points in my life. When things go sour in our lives we have a tendency to point the finger others. In reality the only person we can truly blame is ourselves. This began the transition of let go of letting others be the reason I couldn’t do something or the reason I chose to engage in other things. In doing this I found myself no longer seeking the approval of others. I began to take more pride in being who am, gaining the self-confidence I was lacking, and seeking counsel only for major decisions. If we really want things to work out for our best interest and have all the things we dream of the power is with in us. We just have to stop looking for the approval of others and following the vision of another person; only to then put the blame on them when things do not go as we envisioned. Following our own vision is the best thing we could ever do. What If It All Works Out?! Pushing my fears aside allowed me to be open to many opportunities. The harmful thing about wondering what if is there is always a negative following behind. It is almost as though we are speaking our fears into manifestation. Letting your fears go leaves zero room for you to revisit the past. We often have things from our past that haunt us which shapes our way of thinking. Those harmful things from our past manifest themselves in the present as our fears; which hold us back. Letting go of the past for me also meant Letting Go Of Holding Grudges. Having a grudge does us more damage than we could ever imagine. Fear is a tricky thing to let go of because it can manifest itself in so many forms. Holding a grudge is nothing more than fear having a strong hold on your entire life. We hold grudges to protect us from getting hurt yet we are hurting ourselves.
Imagine holding on to something for dear life due to fear of falling, something breaking, etc. After a while holding on to it seems to be the cause of your hand hurting because you’re holding on too tight. When we hold a grudge we prevent ourselves from moving forward in any direction due to the situation replaying in our minds. We shut people out, we are meant on our jobs, overly sensitive, over reactive, judgmental, and the list could go on. This is because holding a grudge is holding on to all of the negative emotions that person brought on.
I can’t move on, I’m hurt, It’s easier said than done!! Often times we can’t move forward because we don’t want to; not because we can’t. Understand that you didn’t expect a person you care for to cross you in a wrong manner; honor that mentality and do not do it to another person. Break the cycle and focus on good karma. Understand that you can not expect anything from anybody but yourself; you can only monitor what you do. Having expectation leaves room for disappointments and pain your life stops for no one. Holding a grudge means you life is now in neutral due to the actions of another; the incident will come back around. And Innerstand that you must be present and observant. We have an intuition as well as instincts that allow us to sense things before they happen. Get in tune with yourself and your surroundings things can be avoided. While holding something over one persons head have you ever noticed how it is held over everyone’s head? We being to project that negativity onto others which clouds our judgement. We often set expectations for people holding them to too high of a standard forgetting we all make mistakes. Setting expectations for ourselves and abiding by them is solely how we will attract what is meant for us. No one knows you better than you. The power of change lies within; holding on to things places that power in the hands of others. I could no longer be bound to the things that held me down. Feeling stuck is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy due the fact that it could really test your mental state. Grieving and stress were my triggers for depression and anxiety; I would sit in my room and cry listening to sad music until I fell asleep just to do it do it all over again. I use to panic, cry, and think myself into a hell hole. But this time in the mist of hurting I was healing. Remaining busy became a coping mechanism for me to check myself and not get caught up in the madness. I was doing things that I loved; dancing and helping people allowed me to balance my emotions . Seeing others happy and hearing their stories motivated me to keep going. Keeping my rituals was a must and during these hard times I saw how essential they were for my healing. My montras’ are what guided me through each day and settled me at night. I listened more and became observant of everything around me. I grew more present and connected. During times of high stress I tend to eat less and when I do eat it’s sweets; yet I found myself eating healthier balancing my meals and taking the initiative to workout. I tried my best to continue my morning rituals to get my day started and proceeded with my daily routines without checking out and calling it quiets.
Coming to these different realizations was a true test of my faith and strength. I was more grounded than I had ever been; I found myself in deep prayer/meditation numerous times a day to block out the noise surrounding me. I know during times of turmoil, grief, and/or transition you go for what you know; going into survival mode. This makes it easy for us to go back to old habits that may lead us back to square one. I cried more than average in my alone time because I felt lost 90% of the time with no way out. I was angry, confused, and at my wits end. It was as though The Most High was breaking me down to get my attention. Asking my parents for help was the toughest nail to swallow. For the first time in a while they had seen me reach a breaking point. I WAS HURTING! To learn to grieve I had to learn to cope and allow my perspective to shift. The dynamics for getting over this hurdle were very different for me. This summer I went through stages with each death I encountered; I watched myself change mentally and spiritually. My way of thinking took a major turn which allowed me to have a better understanding of life. With this came a different reaction to situations I may encounter. I often would wear my feelings on my shoulders; forcing me to push people away or even gain sympathy without people truly knowing what was taking place in my life. Neither of the two I really wanted considering I truly dislike attention unless it’s truly earned. In my times of meditation I found that I was truly freeing myself from old ways of merely existing. Death was present in my life as a time for rebirth. It was time for me to heal internally and externally. This season of death was a call to transcend and truly live. My mind-body and soul was cleansed to make way for growth. Letting go is a continual process however it gets easier along the way.